My appointment I mentioned in my last post went well.  My doctor seemed unconcerned and said he thought that some things I had done to stress my body had kick-started this cycle.  He reminded me there would be ups and downs like this.

While I felt an enormous sense of relief, the fear that things would come back on a daily basis never really left altogether.  Honestly, they are there every second of every minute of every waking hour I have.  I pray constantly for deliverance and talk to friends and family, but I find myself still on edge.  Fighting fear is an exhausting emotional ordeal.  As my cousin said, “it’s only one thought away.”

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been having some episodes that are different in nature but no less troubling.

With the original “pre-diagnosis” spells I would always get a bad taste in my mouth, followed by lots of saliva and then tingling lips.  Every time.  Sometimes I would have a feeling of fear like a premonition.  They were the same pattern every time which was the indicator for my doctor that these were seizures and not stress or anxiety.

What I am experiencing now is different.  I get a surge of fear and anxiety.  I nearly always get chills like I’m cold and often feel queasy.  It is terribly unsettling.  It’s as unpredictable as an earthquake.  I often liken it to a terrorist attack.

It breeds fear.  I’m sure the biggest part of my fear is that a tumor has come back, even though my neurologist has told me this is a normal phenomenon and my recent MRI was good.

The Bible is full of passages dealing with fear and worry and I pour over them seeking comfort and strength as I deal with fear, discouragement and, if I were to be honest with myself, a little depression.

It’s hard to know what to do, hard to hide these episodes as I try to protect my family from worry.  The last 3 weeks have exhausted me and I feel a little lost truthfully.

One that that has been a consistent help has been a visit, phone call or a note from a friend.  A few weeks ago Mark and Michelle came over for a couple of hours.  Tom and Lauren swung by for dinner Sunday before last.  I had a great lunch with my friend Peter this week and we talked about nothing but baseball for a solid hour.  Last night in a moment of distress I called by workmate Keith who happened to be in the most southern city in the world getting ready for bed.  He was ready with an encouraging word and a prayer for a friend.

What a lifted burden and relief to talk about something else for a while.  At night I’ve been periodically reading Treasure Island with Chloe and The Lord of The Rings with Hannah.  I pulled out my personal all-time favorite “Robinson Crusoe” the other day and plan to read it for the 4^th or 5^th time.

I love God, I love my wife, I love my children and I love my friends.  I call this to mind tonight as well as the words of advice from my Aunt Carolyn; One day at a time and patience with the process.

This week, at some encouragement from several people I saw my personal doctor seeking some help to break this cycle of fear and anxiety.  It was a difficult step and felt a little like weakness and failure.  But truth be told, some of the most mentally tough people I know had to ask for help when in a similar crisis.

I share this solely in the hope and prayer that it may help someone else in their own struggle.

Regardless of all of the above, there is a passage in the Bible that essentially says “Where the spirit of heaviness is, put on the garment of praise.”  I love the picture of clothing oneself in praise when you are going through tough times.  One sure fire way I’ve found over the years to crawl out of a pit is to give praise to God for all the good things in life; in my immediate circle this evening that would include the beautiful tree in the living room, the cookies being baked in the kitchen as I write, the uncontrolled excitement in the air by Chloe in particular and the kind neighbors near us who are about to get a batch of those warm cookies hand delivered on a dark and stormy night.

As Psalm 103:2 says “May I never forget the good things He does for me.”

One last thing has been of great help to us over the past few months.

A couple of months ago our pastor preached a series on Jacob.

In Genesis 35:14 it talks about where God had just spoken to him.

“14 Jacob set up a stone pillar to mark the place where God had spoken to him.“

It hit me that I wanted to set up a stone pillar to memorialize how God had spoken to me during this.  Then I realized I HAD a stone pillar. I had rented a backhoe and stacked some giant boulders we found in our yard into a rock garden many years ago.  It was way over-sized and many times thought about renting a machine to tear it down.  Now I was glad I didn’t. Now when Lisha and I are afraid we “go to the rock”, sometimes light a candle and pray thanking God for what he has told us.