This Is The Day

In what is certainly a much longer story than I can articulate in a few sentences, waiting patiently for God turned into action. In spite of advice from a couple of doctors not to go through with surgery due to some risks, both Lisha and I felt God’s peace and assurance that this was the right next step.

I had another, more detailed MRI and the surgeon from Virginia Mason (Dr. Sanchez) called to tell me it suggested a recurrence. We met with him and he seemed very confident that another surgery was the best option and he had no concerns about managing any risks. We wanted to talk to one more doctor before scheduling surgery. He mentioned that he could set me up on the OR schedule if we wanted because it was easier to reserve a spot and cancel that to get one at the last minute. We decided to wait.

As I drove us to our next appointment, Lisha and I talked about another surgery. We both felt strongly that was where God was leading us and Dr. Sanchez was where the path led.

In a moment of determined expression of love, Alisha grabbed her phone and called the scheduler at Virginia Mason. She basically told them her husband needed brain surgery and could they get him in Monday morning after Easter? They said “OK”. How does that happen? Woman cold calls a hospital and says husband needs brain surgery on Monday morning and they say “sure, no problem”. It still makes me laugh. Mom flew up to help and on Sunday night I again kissed the girls and we drove to the hotel across the street from the hospital.

The next few days are a bit of a blur as the anesthesia effects faded and medical “angels” came and went throughout the next three days and two nights. I had some visits from friends and was just generally encouraged.

Dr. Sanchez was encouraging as well in his visit after surgery. I was discharged on Wednesday afternoon and it felt good to be home together again.

The doctor at UW said he would not do this surgery because there was an artery in my brain that would prevent him removing everything that needed to be removed. When I told him the team at UCSF (one option we had researched) who had reviewed my case had recommended surgery, he replied, “I’m sure Dr. Berger wasn’t part of that. He would never recommend surgery in this circumstance with the vascular risk”.

When we met with Dr. Sanchez after surgery, he spent some time explaining how he was able to get around the artery in order to get to the place he need to clean out. In an extraordinary moment, he said he fell back on teaching by a mentor in his years at UCSF…named Dr. Berger.

Here I sit on a Friday afternoon in my bed reminding myself to keep taking it one day at a time. Concerned friends and family are wanting to know “next steps”. Truth is, I haven’t thought ahead much about what’s next, just reading my bible, being with my family, and enjoying the beauty out my window. I wish I could say its easy to stay in this mental “space” or resting and healing but my mind does wander.

There is a song I’ve been listening to that resonated with where I am at the moment “When you walk into the room”. It’s recorded by Bryan and Katie Torwalt but I found a live video from Upper Room Worship on line that I love.

The words to part of the song are: “When you walk into the room everything changes, darkness starts to tremble at the light that you bring. When you walk into the room, every heart starts burning and nothing matters more than just to sit here at your feet and worship you”.

I know HE is in the room with me, that everything is changed about my heart and that my spontaneous response is to sit at his feet and worship.  That is my desire today.

Full disclosure here. When I was first diagnosed last July, I received messages, letters, generous support from all across the globe. I found myself sitting outside, overwhelmed by all this when I had a feeling come over me best described by the famous Oscars acceptance speech of Sally Field…”I can’t deny the fact that you like me!” Truthfully, it was more in line with her misquote “You like me! You really, really like me!”

I have often heard “sin” being described as those things which keeps us separate or out of relationship with God. While sitting there, I felt like a spotlight was shined on the primary thing that separates me from God. That day I saw the true nature of who I am; a person seeking his own. I’ve never thought of myself as self-centered but I loved the attention and words of encouragement more than any person should. It has made me far more aware of those moments when I find satisfaction in being acknowledged. I’m not talking about reasonable response to words of encouragement or fondness. I’m talking about the attitude of “I can’t deny the fact that you like me.”

Sitting at the feet of God and worshiping Him, giving thanks that I can write this and for a skilled surgeon who was bold and courageous as I asked him to be is a sure-fire step in the right direction for me to see a world that’s not all about me.  That is the direction, as I’ve mentioned before, of a heart with spiritual senses being refined to look for opportunities to show kindness, generosity and mercy.

Peace with waiting is getting a little easier.